Never date a Bulgarian woman

1. She’ll keep you guessing.

We, Bulgarian women, are convinced that the key to a happy relationship is surprises and spontaneity. One day you might come home to find you hazel-eyed, brunette lady as a sparkling blonde; on a Saturday she’ll take you on a weekend escape to her selo in Kyustendil and next thing you know, she’ll be driving you across the border to Greece for some olives and baklava, only to prove that her baklava is waaay better. Good luck staying bored!

2. You’ll get fat from all the banitsa.

We LOVE to spoil our boyfriends. If you’re sick, we’ll nurse you to health (provided that you trust our superior self-medication skills enough). If you’re sad, we’ll be your shrink and listen patiently. Our moms teach us the classic “a man’s love goes through his stomach,” so prepare for opulent dinners of banitsa, skara, guyvetch, musaka, keks and anything else you ever liked or didn’t know you liked yet. Better throw your pants out the window because you’re going up a size, mister!

3. The wedding would be a circus.

Did you ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Well, that absolutely applies to us, Bulgarians, too. God forbid you ever married your Bulgarian girlfriend, because you’ll be partying for 3 days straight with your new brothers and sisters-in-law, cousins, aunts, uncles and nephews. You’ll be dancing nights away, followed by photographers and an accordion band, and the whole thing will cost you less than $5,000 because the BGN is at a rate begging to be bought.

4. You’ll inherit her crazy family.

Caution: if you’re an only child you should be especially weary about getting serious with your Bulgarian girlfriend! Were you to become engaged to her, you’re also making a commitment to her parents, siblings and cousins, so you’ll never have a minute alone between pounding shots of rakiya with her grandpa, being fed shkembe by her great aunt and hunting with her dad at the woods of Golyam Varbovnik.

5. She’s mysterious.

You’ll often look at your girl and wonder what thoughts whirl behind those pretty green eyes. Dark and enchanting, Bulgarian women are a mix of Russian, Turkish, Greek, Macedonian and other cultures around, intertwined by a common history, and our exotic features allow us to keep our emotions to ourselves if we choose to, while you admire our flawless exterior.

6. Her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

As Zoolander would put it: “we’re really really really good-looking!” Fact. You’ll have some fierce competition so you better bring on your A game. I’m talking flowers and bonboni, compliments and little surprise gifts, to make you stand out from the rest of the glarusi.

7. You’ll have to work out.

We, Bulgarian women, pay a tremendous amount of attention to our figures, because this is how our mothers raised us. (To this day I rarely eat bread, thanks mom!) Whether we go jogging at the Borisova Gradina, hike in Vitosha or hit the gym, we’re always in an envy-worthy shape, so you better keep up, boy!

8. You’ll have to earn her dad’s respect at the table.

Ok, so you were the lucky one to sweep her off her feet among the other admirers, so what? I hate to break it to you, but you haven’t won the girl over until you’ve “seduced΅ her father. (Strictly metaphorically speaking, do not mention any weird things like that to him!) You have to keep up with her dad’s appetite for eating and drinking, have to demonstrate how respectful you are and state your intentions clearly. All in all, it’s kind of like an Ivy League college application — hard but worth it.

9. You’ll go bankrupt on roses.

Ah, but who can put a price tag on love, right? The Bulgarian maslodayna rose is our national pride and most beautiful flower in the entire country. Stock up on fresh roses and balms to surprise her with, with no occasion whatsoever.

10. She’ll never ask for a bandaid.

Don’t expect your Bulgarian woman to come crying to you whenever faced with difficulties. Her strong and independent persona will try anything possible to resolve it alone, and would never ask to be rescued by anyone. She’s the Snow White who had the 7 dwarves straightening out her posh apartment while she was kicking the evil queen’s ass, no prince bullsh*t.

11. You’ll break an ankle dancing horo.

You MUST know how to dance. If you don’t, I suggest you take a lesson or two ASAP, because you’ll need it! Between late night mehana gatherings and all-day Trifon Zarezan celebrations, there are more occasions to celebrate than days of the year, so get your Dunavsko Horo straight.